From Butcher To Baker…

Fri, 03 Nov 2017 13:19:03 +0000

From Butcher To Baker…
When I was younger, I never really imagined myself with kids. Sure I played “mom” or “house” when I was a kid, but as I got into my teen years I didn’t really see a future with a house full of kids. My dream was to get married, have a great job, live in a condo in DC and go out to eat all the time. Yeah, not much of a future but I was only 15 and although I wasn’t sure of what I wanted out of life, I knew that kids wouldn’t be included.
Fast forward to present day, and here I stand in all this motherhood glory. You’d think for someone that didn’t want any kids I’d learn to use a condom or two, practice abstinence, or anything to keep my uterus vacant. Of course I wouldn’t change my life at all. There isn’t anything I’d do different to obtain an alternate outcome. My kids have actually made me the woman I am. Yes, I know that sounds corny. But really, look at my resume!
Objective
Outgoing mother of four with a BS in Social Science, MS in Human Behavior and +16 years of experience in raising children. Seeking to leverage my baby talk and professional booboo kissing skills to grow in the updated role of millennial mom. Looking for a position where I can integrate strategies to develop and expand the minds mini human beings.
Experience
January 2001 to present
Mom Shyt, Inc.
Butcher
§ cut pieces of meat into bite size pieces
§ responsible for ensuring that hot dogs were not choking hazards
§ referred to everything as “chicken” in an effort to get clients to eat the meat on their plate.
January 2001 to present
Parenting R’ Us
Baker
§ responsible for all birthday party baked products
§ taught clients (age 1 – 7) how to mix cake batter
§ cleaned cake batter that subsequently flew all over the kitchen
§ Received Employee of the Year award when I informed the client that store bought cupcakes were just as yummy as homemade cupcakes. This saved the company lots of headaches, kitchen messes and reduced noise pollution.
January 2001 to present
MissedPeriod.com
Driver
§ Facilitated drop off and pick up for client for various appointments and play dates
§ from 2010 to 2013, acted as dispatch while my business partner (aka Senior Daddy), drove client up and down the highway to get them to fall asleep without screaming.
§ Currently take client to girl scouts, mall trips, theater practice, singing practice, nail appointments, etc and sit in the vehicle until client is ready to return to their living quarters. I’ve been commended for my ability to not freeze to death while sitting in the car in subzero temperatures, refusing to turn on the car to conserve gas and battery life.
January 2001 to present
MommyLook Fashion, Inc.
Seamstress
§ Repaired several stuffed animals and clothing for client
§ Created costumes for school plays, Halloween and general playtime
Certificates
ChefFirst Aid (including using 32 bandaids for one abrasion)Teacher / Baby WhispererStorytellerTown Crier (ability to scream at top of lungs to obtain client’s attention)MediatorIncubator (with help from my business partner, I was able to house 4 clients in my body and serve as host for roughly 10 months each)
References
Furnished upon request

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